Author Archives: unpwnable

Drum Major Pawnage

There are many things I associate with game day in Ann Arbor from my youth: 

1) Waking up to my uncle BLARING The Victors at first light

 2) Little old ladies waving pom poms while they sit on lawn chairs trying to herd potential parkers into front lawns on Main St.

3) The Mud Bowl on Homecoming weekend (yes my parents took me to this annual event even when I was a little tot)

4) Buying Michigan apparel at Steve and Barry’s like we’d never have the opportunity to purchase a Michigan shirt again…

The list could continue for awhile, but you get the idea.

Despite my random memories, there was one game day tradition that I was adamant about never missing (well, until pre-gaming took priority) and goes above and beyond all other schools in the realm of pwnage:

THE INCREDIBLE FLEXIBILITY OF THE MICHIGAN MARCHING BAND’S DRUM MAJOR! 

Going…going…going…

DOWN!!!!!  WOOHOO!!!

In these pictures from the OSU pregame show, Michigan’s Man Up Front, Cody Martin from Plano, TX, continues the Michigan tradition* of bending backwards to touch his head to the ground.

One of the most infuriating things from tOSU’s current cough success cough  is their self-proclaimed “Best Damn Band in the Land” bullshit.  While the band from “that school down south” conducts a spelling lesson, our drum major does a back bend and puts his head, not plume, not hat, but HEAD on the motherfucking ground.  Pwnage at its best!

This gets me so psyched for fall I can barely contain myself!  At least the Big Ten Network is good for something!

*Apparently a Drum Major back in the day fell one week while attempting his back bend.  The following week he returned, removed his hat and touched his head to the ground to the student’s surprise and delight, and set a new precedence for the future MMB Drum Majors.  If any readers are band alumni, please feel free to add detail or clarification to this in the comments!

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Friday Fun – Don’t Mess with Branch

It is a beautiful day for us at MPTW–supposed to be about 80 degrees and sunshine is abundant.  What better way to celebrate a beautiful day than with a glorious moment in Michigan Football?

Today we remember back to a play that brings sly, knowing smiles to all Michigan fans every time we see it:

Alan Branch is NASTY.

Where were you?  We were watching the game in Bailey’s Sports Pub in Arlington, Virginia.  The Penn State fans were in another room down the hall and I vaguely remember hearing horrified gasps at this, the beginning of the Penn State QB blood-fest.  Concussions for everyone, get ’em while there hot!!

Now, it is fact that Michigan pwns Penn State like no other, but this was a particularly delicious moment in the 2006 Penn State game when my personal hero Alan Branch introduced Anthony Morelli to the firm field in Happy Valley.  At night.  Under the lights.  With millions watching on TV.  And a hundred thousand more in the stands.  Ah yes, Mr. Alan Branch personally shut up the “feared” white out.  Lick your finger, swipe through the air, and….COUNT IT!!!!!!!  Morelli,  you just got pwned!  Enjoy this moment over the weekend folks.  Relish it like it was Fall 2006, muahah!

Desmond Howard Pwns College Football

So it’s the middle of the week, there hasn’t been a peep of sunshine since last Saturday, we are sitting around waiting for spring to really take hold—sounds like a perfect opportunity to remember back to a time of ultimate Michigan pwnage.  Or, well, at least a time where Michigan beat Ohio State with some regularity (thank you John Cooper)…

Setting: November 23, 1991, Michigan Stadium.  It was a classic November day in Ann Arbor; the sky was a steely gray and the fans were bundled in their thick coats, scarves, gloves, and one piece snow suits (oh, wait…that was just me thanks to my overprotective parents…).  On this day Michigan (9-1) thumped Ohio State (8-2) by a score of 31-3 and secured a trip to the Rose Bowl, but the ultimate highlight came from superstud Desmond Howard.  Annnnnd SCENE!

Michigan was up 17-3 late in the first half when Ohio State set up to punt on 4th down.  DHoward fielded the punt at the Michigan 7-yard line and #21 streaked the 93-yards to the opposite end zone for a touchdown.  As he crossed the goal line DHoward claimed his spot in Michigan pwnage history: he struck the Heisman Trophy pose as Keith Jackson (ABC Sports) yelled “Hellllllooooo Heisman!!!!”

OH THE GLORY!

Not only did DHoward pwn tOSU, two weeks later he pwned all of college football when he accepted the Heisman Trophy and the honor of Nation’s Best Player with 640 first place votes.  DHoward rightfully earned his spot on future Michigan Stadium cups and claimed his place as a Michigan legend.  To brighten your day, watch the video.

Michigan Pwns The World- Official Ethics

“People say Michigan has an arrogance. But the bottom line is that Michigan fans care about Michigan and they don’t care about anybody else.”

Here at Michigan Pwns the World, we tirelessly operate by the above words.  We have tasked ourselves with the endless pursuit of shamelessly promoting Michigan in the most biased fashion possible.  We will not be dissuaded from this high calling.

It is our goal to provide testimonial, photo, video, and any other multimedia friendly evidence of what we all know deep in our Maize & Blue hearts to be true: Michigan Pwns The World.  Do not argue with us, embrace us for what we are, blind supporters of the Wolverines in all facets of life.  GO BLUE!