Michael Phelps pwns the world too.

It’s no surprise that another person from the University of Michigan has dished out some serious pwnage. Michael Phelps (seen below swimming in a pool of gold medals) has won 8 gold medals in 8 races at the 2008 Olympics. He was barely off the ultimate pwnage record of 8 World Records; he only set 7. Come on Michael!

Michael had a lot of people rooting against him, namely Chinese gold suppliers. One former swimmer/current loser Ian Thorpe bet against Phelps saying “I don’t think he’ll win 7 let alone 8 gold medals. He’s just not that good and I’m extremely jealous.” I don’t know why Thorpe wasn’t in this Olympics. Perhaps he retired or perhaps he was busy swimming in tar? Whichever it was, Michael shut him up pretty good. I expect Thorpe to go back on his statement in the essence of something below:

Anyways, in true Olympic pwnage, I declare that Michael Phelps get his gold medals dipped in platinum and covered in diamonds.

World. You just got pwned. Eat it! Congratulations Michael. You have truly pwned the world.

DickRod’s real response to the “Gentlemen’s Agreement”

Obviously DickRod is Christian. Can you figure out who else is around the table?

Drum Major Pawnage

There are many things I associate with game day in Ann Arbor from my youth: 

1) Waking up to my uncle BLARING The Victors at first light

 2) Little old ladies waving pom poms while they sit on lawn chairs trying to herd potential parkers into front lawns on Main St.

3) The Mud Bowl on Homecoming weekend (yes my parents took me to this annual event even when I was a little tot)

4) Buying Michigan apparel at Steve and Barry’s like we’d never have the opportunity to purchase a Michigan shirt again…

The list could continue for awhile, but you get the idea.

Despite my random memories, there was one game day tradition that I was adamant about never missing (well, until pre-gaming took priority) and goes above and beyond all other schools in the realm of pwnage:

THE INCREDIBLE FLEXIBILITY OF THE MICHIGAN MARCHING BAND’S DRUM MAJOR! 

Going…going…going…

DOWN!!!!!  WOOHOO!!!

In these pictures from the OSU pregame show, Michigan’s Man Up Front, Cody Martin from Plano, TX, continues the Michigan tradition* of bending backwards to touch his head to the ground.

One of the most infuriating things from tOSU’s current cough success cough  is their self-proclaimed “Best Damn Band in the Land” bullshit.  While the band from “that school down south” conducts a spelling lesson, our drum major does a back bend and puts his head, not plume, not hat, but HEAD on the motherfucking ground.  Pwnage at its best!

This gets me so psyched for fall I can barely contain myself!  At least the Big Ten Network is good for something!

*Apparently a Drum Major back in the day fell one week while attempting his back bend.  The following week he returned, removed his hat and touched his head to the ground to the student’s surprise and delight, and set a new precedence for the future MMB Drum Majors.  If any readers are band alumni, please feel free to add detail or clarification to this in the comments!

Michigan pwns college football fashion

No surprising news to Michigan fans, but apparently some Heidi Klum-esque guy at Fox Sports has declared Michigan the sole keeper of College Football’s best uniforms. This is a pretty big prize, as countless teams spend wads of money re-vamping their uniforms every year. Michigan, intelligently, has stuck to the basics and out-performed them all.

This summer, Michigan will be switching over to Adidas sponsered jerseys. We imagine the design won’t be too far from this:

However, Rich & Co. may pull a good old-fashion West Virginia coal-train robbery on Michigan and give us:

Word on the street is that Ohio State is bringing in Rami Kashou (last year’s Project Runway runner-up) this year to drape even more “buck-nuts” stickers on their uniforms. We expect it’d look something like this:

DickRod Strikes Again

A new story has surfaced surrounding the unpopular exit of Rich Rodriguez from the West Viriginia University football program. Reporters from The Morgantown Times have discovered documents and photos detailing a massive operation to undermine not only the University but the entire West Virginia populous as well.

The article states that on January 2, 2008, Rich Rodriguez along with Bill Martin, Mary Sue Coleman, Mike Barwis, and legendary folk singer/West Virigina legend John Denver stole a coal train and delivered it to the University of Michigan. A source inside the coal company speculated on the details of the heist:

January 2, 2008

• 9:30pm – Rich Rodriguez and his elite task force sneak into WV Coal Co. secret headquarters.
• 9:35pm – A loud bang is heard by the guard.
• 9:36pm – Guard checks his gun.
• 10:15pm – Mary Sue Coleman seduces the guard by making him a cheese & coal sandwich, popularly known as the Black Muenster Lung .
• 10:25pm – Mike Barwis and John Denver pick up and carry the train engine to a clear track.
• 10:27pm – Rich Rodriguez and Bill Martin steal $4 million dollars from the WV Coal Co.’s safe.

 In addition to the money, the following items were reported missing by the University and WV Coal Co.:

• 1 coal-powered train engine
• 98 rail cars
• Ryan Mundy
• Every WVU football helmet
• 17 million tons of coal

William Roberts Dawgers, a chief coalologist within West Virginia University, thinks the coal was stolen to power the construction equipment for the upgrade to The Big House. He goes on to claim “coal is the fuel of the future. It runs 90% cleaner than any other power source. It’s no wonder the University of Michigan would want it.”

 

Pwning The Numbers

52 Punches Little Brother received this weekend.
The Michigan vs. Michigan State 4-game baseball series is finally over. Congratulations to the Michigan State Spartans for showing up. After that, it was over.

(Michigan State poses for a picture)

247 Expected draft number of Mario Manningham according to Jim Carty.
We think Mario will get it together, grow up, and have a successful NFL career.

7 Consecutive titles for Women’s Water Polo.
We didn’t even get to see a game. Maybe BTN will pick up some more games next year. Congrats girls.

1 Recruits landed last week by Rich Rodriguez & Company.
Welcome to Ann Arbor, Mr. Fitgerald Touissant. Reactions over at mgoblog.

131 Days til kickoff vs. Utah.
We don’t know about you, but we’re getting excited. Question is, who’ll get the starting QB gig? More on that later this week…

Friday Fun – Don’t Mess with Branch

It is a beautiful day for us at MPTW–supposed to be about 80 degrees and sunshine is abundant.  What better way to celebrate a beautiful day than with a glorious moment in Michigan Football?

Today we remember back to a play that brings sly, knowing smiles to all Michigan fans every time we see it:

Where were you?  We were watching the game in Bailey’s Sports Pub in Arlington, Virginia.  The Penn State fans were in another room down the hall and I vaguely remember hearing horrified gasps at this, the beginning of the Penn State QB blood-fest.  Concussions for everyone, get ‘em while there hot!!

Now, it is fact that Michigan pwns Penn State like no other, but this was a particularly delicious moment in the 2006 Penn State game when my personal hero Alan Branch introduced Anthony Morelli to the firm field in Happy Valley.  At night.  Under the lights.  With millions watching on TV.  And a hundred thousand more in the stands.  Ah yes, Mr. Alan Branch personally shut up the “feared” white out.  Lick your finger, swipe through the air, and….COUNT IT!!!!!!!  Morelli,  you just got pwned!  Enjoy this moment over the weekend folks.  Relish it like it was Fall 2006, muahah!

Michigan weather pwns Spring Game

It’s that time of year. Spring games were wide-spread across the college football nation this weekend. Michigan Pwns The World was at Michigan’s spring game. It sure was cold. We heard grumblings of the Frozen Four being warmer. MPTW HQ was stationed just outside of the Saline High football field, but we couldn’t see anything. However, what we heard were a lot of whistles and even more cheering. This is good news to Michigan fans, as cheering and praise signal success.

Unlike many other teams, Michigan preferred to have it’s Spring Game behind closed gates. There were no TV cameras, no hyper-crazy fans (Michigan fans were frozen), and no Tebow. Apparently Tim Tebow is still sick from his performance against Michigan last January. Who wouldn’t be with offense of this caliber.

 

No Comment.

None.

Desmond Howard Pwns College Football

So it’s the middle of the week, there hasn’t been a peep of sunshine since last Saturday, we are sitting around waiting for spring to really take hold—sounds like a perfect opportunity to remember back to a time of ultimate Michigan pwnage.  Or, well, at least a time where Michigan beat Ohio State with some regularity (thank you John Cooper)…

Setting: November 23, 1991, Michigan Stadium.  It was a classic November day in Ann Arbor; the sky was a steely gray and the fans were bundled in their thick coats, scarves, gloves, and one piece snow suits (oh, wait…that was just me thanks to my overprotective parents…).  On this day Michigan (9-1) thumped Ohio State (8-2) by a score of 31-3 and secured a trip to the Rose Bowl, but the ultimate highlight came from superstud Desmond Howard.  Annnnnd SCENE!

Michigan was up 17-3 late in the first half when Ohio State set up to punt on 4th down.  DHoward fielded the punt at the Michigan 7-yard line and #21 streaked the 93-yards to the opposite end zone for a touchdown.  As he crossed the goal line DHoward claimed his spot in Michigan pwnage history: he struck the Heisman Trophy pose as Keith Jackson (ABC Sports) yelled “Hellllllooooo Heisman!!!!”

Not only did DHoward pwn tOSU, two weeks later he pwned all of college football when he accepted the Heisman Trophy and the honor of Nation’s Best Player with 640 first place votes.  DHoward rightfully earned his spot on future Michigan Stadium cups and claimed his place as a Michigan legend.  To brighten your day, watch the video.